February was always my love month. But after my son had major surgery in February and went into ICU where he stayed six weeks before his death, February became my sad month. So many people and groups prayed for my son. So after his death I kept trying to convince myself that prayer was worthless. I was also almost destroyed spiritually. I had so many unanswered questions.
I could not go to church for a long time for I did not want to hear or sing songs about how much Jesus loved me. In so many ways, I found it so hard to adjust to living again even though I had three other beautiful, caring children left. Anyone that has lost a child knows that that child can never be replaced it in your heart and in your life by anyone.
The only way that I did survive was to look in the paper and if I read about someone who had lost a child, I would pray love and send love to that person or persons through the Lord. Thinking and caring for others was my refuge. I have always heard that the good die young, but not until one morning when I was given a Scripture from the Lord did I fully understand the meaning. I had spent years grieving for my son, years that seemed unbearable for I missed him so much. I missed his caring for me, his phone calls and visits and always being there when I needed him.
Even after years I had my sad days, and it was one of those mornings that the Lord spoke to me telling me to read John 11:25. After reading that Scripture, for the first time in my life I understood the full meaning of what I read. No, my son is not dead! The Scripture that I read was, "Anyone who believes in me even though he dies like anyone else shall live again. He is given eternal life for believing in me, and shall never perish."
After reading that and understanding it the day was still dreary, but so bright inside and I could feel the presence of my son in my room so strongly that it was breathtaking. I finally understood the meaning of "only the good die young." God loved my son so much that he did not want him to live in the world of sickness, abuse and worry. Now I can talk about my son, call him by name and laugh about his sense of humor.
I thank God that I had him for the years that I did. All his life no matter where he was, college or living in another town, I could always dial his telephone number and talk with him to find out how he was. Now for the first time, I can't. I knew that it is so frustrating to have to deal with the unknown, especially where my child is concerned. I know now that the tears I'd shed and will continue to shed was for myself. I can't promise that I won't still have crying days for my loss, and the lonely feeling that I have for not seeing and being with my son. I do find peace knowing that God loved him so much and he is safe from this world's pain and disappointments. My son's spirit is ever present in my life and I thank God daily for giving me back my son.
When my son, Roy, died I was so hurt and resentful that I kept asking, "What good is prayer; what good is faith?" Our faith was great that he would be healed; so many prayers were prayed for him. One morning, I was waiting for my daughter to run an errand. I was in the most beautiful area of a parking lot with blooming flowers. But with all of that I could find a peace come over me. I could feel the presence of the Lord and I sat still and listened. This is the answer to my question that I received from God.
"When your husband was on his deathbed. I answered all prayers for him. I let him live. I gave him peace, contentment, and no pain. He did not suffer all of those many years, but all of you that left him did. Your will was done, not mine. I love all of you so much that I did not want to see you suffer like that again with your son. So because I love all of you and him. I took him home with me. Now he is safe from all harm and plans that the devil had for his future and yours. Yes, beloved, prayer does work. Just always remember to pray that your will be done, not mine."
"Faith is great for with your faith that your son was going to live, made his stay in the hospital easier for all. You asked me to help so my will was done even though it made me sad. If I had not taken him now, he would have survived the next time, and he would have been a total invalid just as the devil had planned. A year from now, your son would have been back in intensive care, his body mangled and unconscious, no one would have faith that he would live. Your prayers this time would be answered just like for your husband. Your will would be done."
"You gave your son to me to protect. Now he is in Heaven with me. Your son did not die, but just moved in with me. To help with your loss and grief, just visualize your son a helpless invalid being pushed around in a wheelchair. That would have been his future on Earth. Now can you say that God really loves me and believe it."
Later at home when I was writing what the Lord had told me in my spirit, I kept hearing "car wreck" over and over. When I was questioning whether it was God speaking to me or not, my door, for no reason, slammed so hard that it scared me so and I yelled, "Oh, Lord." So to me, I accept that as my answer from the Lord. Yes, a car wreck, I'm sure.
When I found out that my child was seriously ill I asked God for power to get me through the times ahead. I received it immediately and started praising the Lord. Months later when my child died part of me died to a large part. I tried so hard to give up, knowing that I was not strong enough to survive the greatest loss of my life. But the Lord would not let me give up. He had given me his power. Not for just a while, but for always in all things. Power that would sustain me for ever. I had a choice: live in the past or move on.
I realized that I had to accept it. I had to go on with my life. If reliving my child's illness and death would bring him back that would have been different. But it wouldn't change a thing, would not give me back my child.
But only with help and his strength have I've survived. I thank Him every day for helping me.